And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil'd face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o'er my head!
-John Keats
I am attempting to avoid my negative thoughts. Shun them away like they are no more than a fleeting breeze on an otherwise warm day. How they creep up on me, I don't know. The tears creep. My path to the present, even, has creeped. Though I attempt to be conscious throughout the days, keeping track of outfits, friendly interactions, sensual kisses, I have yet again found myself in a place that seems foreign. The path into darkness, looking back, seemed so subtle, yet I struck a hard bottom before I even had time to realize I was slipping. I have the intense desire to be more aware of myself and my travels back to a place of light. But here, I found myself in a dim room. In a better, happier place, but still, how I arrived here, an area not of blackness, but of vague grays? Surely my life cannot pass before my eyes in such a daze. I want to scream at myself, WAKE UP! Be strong, be confident. Know your life. Know the life of your lover. Know the lives of your friends and your family. I cannot let time slip from my fingertips. Just as a fleeting breeze.

Adventure. Adventure. Adventure?

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be there. Want this. Want that. Need what? The only time I feel somewhat at ease is when I am traveling from here to there. The blindness of the road ahead. Focusing on the lines, the curves of the road, other drivers. Change lanes, blinker 1, 2, 3! I love knowing I am going somewhere. Its just when I get there, the feeling of stagnation slowly creeps up and I feel like running again. Running. A reoccuring theme. Running from what, though? The past? The future? God, even the present? Maybe my discontent is stemming from the fact that I honestly don't know. The need to have a goal, a plan, is salient. And the goal can be reached. It always is if it is worked towards enough.


Maybe its just fear. Patiently and impatiently awaiting a let-down effect. Disappointment.

I am waiting for a brand new day. I want a clear, cool, confident freshness that takes my breath away and leaves my cheeks flushed with delight and splendor.