And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil'd face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o'er my head! -John Keats I am attempting to avoid my negative thoughts. Shun them away like they are no more than a fleeting breeze on an otherwise warm day. How they creep up on me, I don't know. The tears creep. My path to the present, even, has creeped. Though I attempt to be conscious throughout the days, keeping track of outfits, friendly interactions, sensual kisses, I have yet again found myself in a place that seems foreign. The path into darkness, looking back, seemed so subtle, yet I struck a hard bottom before I even had time to realize I was slipping. I have the intense desire to be more aware of myself and my travels back to a place of light. But here, I found myself in a dim room. In a better, happier place, but still, how I arrived here, an area not of blackness, but of vague grays? Surely my life cannot pass before my eyes in such a daze. I want to scream at myself, WAKE UP! Be strong, be confident. Know your life. Know the life of your lover. Know the lives of your friends and your family. I cannot let time slip from my fingertips. Just as a fleeting breeze.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be there. Want this. Want that. Need what? The only time I feel somewhat at ease is when I am traveling from here to there. The blindness of the road ahead. Focusing on the lines, the curves of the road, other drivers. Change lanes, blinker 1, 2, 3! I love knowing I am going somewhere. Its just when I get there, the feeling of stagnation slowly creeps up and I feel like running again. Running. A reoccuring theme. Running from what, though? The past? The future? God, even the present? Maybe my discontent is stemming from the fact that I honestly don't know. The need to have a goal, a plan, is salient. And the goal can be reached. It always is if it is worked towards enough.
Maybe its just fear. Patiently and impatiently awaiting a let-down effect. Disappointment.
I am waiting for a brand new day. I want a clear, cool, confident freshness that takes my breath away and leaves my cheeks flushed with delight and splendor.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
This is me. Sometimes its nice not to come up with the words to express it all myself. Its nice to find a friend or song lyrics or a poem that can so eloquently and coherently sum up a point or a feeling that seemed so difficult to personally to articulate.
I suppose I'd like to think of this poem as me, at least part of it.
You Are Never Ready
In four minutes you will be gone and I must tell you why. When a star crashes, the angels are electrified. When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines and leave you dizzy. When you first discover you’re dying, everyone seems to be saying goodbye. When your dreams are perfect, they run like machines. You must change your life. You are never ready. You must change your life. You are never ready. There are people you have to leave behind, they just dirty up your mouth they don’t value your treasure. You fall down, you kiss up, you love them, it’s not enough. They’re nothing special and you’re such a gift. If you had no magic here you’d be just like everyone else. Imagine the tragedy. You must change your life. You are never ready. Love is like crying like writing like dying you’ve got to do it alone. I know it’s tragic to be tender I know it’s dangerous to be kind I know it’s vicious to care. Listen to me, I know what’s going to happen to you. You don’t need a window, you need a fire escape, you’ll need a skylight to get where you’re going. I can’t tell you where. And you dream that you are hollow and you dream that you are whole reconstruct what you remember and it comes out in pieces. You must change your life. You are never ready. Those below you can’t hold you up everyone is gone gone gone everyone is gone gone gone. Learn to swim alone learn to fly. You must change your life. You are never ready. Cast them off like long rope and learn to swim the dark water alone. Look up to the stars stars stars and know that this is your sky now. Lift your arms and go step forward in Nureyev leap blink fast and whirr over streets hover over trees speed past taxis don’t even bother to wave at the children who watch you awestruck brushing past skyscrapers and looking up up slip off the long skirt that slows you down and don’t look back to watch it billow to earth tell the cool jets and Superman that you’re passing them feel your hair stream back wind blinding you forcing your dry mouth open no one can touch you now get out of this fucking world as fast as you can.
Sometimes you just do not know where to begin. Other times, its wondering where to end. However, its often been said that the end is always a new beginning. Life is cyclical. The events, the people, the time, it all changes, but with it, the person itself also changes. I believe to choose whether this change is harmonious or not is the true challenge and often, a die hard battle. How much can you trick your mind into believing something you want it to? Something it SHOULD be thinking vs something that those around you want you to believe? How can you know that 'you are the only person who truly knows what is best for you'? Its a dilemma. It is a die hard battle. Enter from far left stage: those who may actually know you better than you know yourself. Entering: Those who hold unconditional value for your existence and well-being.
I received this quote today from my dear friend may actually know me sometimes better than I know myself:
"That first peak is the best place to pause and look back, to see if you took the easiest route, to learn the lessons from the first climb. And it is the best place to examine the terrain...ahead, to change your plans and goals, to a take a deep breath and begin climbing again."
This I found to be so applicable. Over the last week I discovered indulgence. Absolute dis-concern for the cares I once held to so securely. I let the pressures of school subside, I reconnected with the love of my life, I ate french fries. And its been good. My mood has had an immediate and gratifying elevation. It has been a simple and satisfying elegance that I could not imagine letting go. I woke up with deep breaths, a fullness of contentment. How could I ever allow that to subside? How easy it is do tell yourself "ah, just let go! Do what you want! Who is really going to care whether you write your paper today or tomorrow? What horrible event is going to occur if you have that hamburger with fries?"
......I have been attempting to finish this post for a week now and everytime I read that last sentence, "what horrible event....?" I can seem to justify a simple life from moment to moment, ignoring societal expectations and listening to my body for what could genuinely be the best for me. And I have tried to be patient through these brief moments of blissful justification. However, I can always, consistently, feel the dark looming in the back of my mind yelling at me. "YOU CARE! IT MATTERS TO YOU WHAT OTHERS THINK!" It feels so angry and it can toss me into a corner, wanting to hide. Wanting to cry. Wanting a change.
I heard this song today and I couldn't help but feel incredibly related to it. My interpretation is of a girl who has been feeling down, blue, and she tries to fix herself through some outside source. An external factor that seems to artificially repair sorrow and she is being asked "What's the matter?", a question so frequently asked of me during my times of such apparent sadness. However, I, like this girl, am reaching out to find myself again. Easy or difficult, lasting or quick, she is not going to give up and neither am I. I do not believe she will be blind forever. She will find her surroundings and breathe again. Nothing is wrong with her, she is just a little misguided.
Blue Eyes Lyrics
Ohh, your heart is broken
To your surprise
You're sick of crying
For blue eyes
So tired of living
Misunderstood
Think hard woman
I think you should
Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then it'll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you
I'm talkin' bout blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter with you?
Ohh, your heart got broken
On the underground
Go find your spirit
In a lost and found
Oh I've been watching
How you behave
Not much like a lover
More like a slave
Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then it'll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you
I'm talkin' bout blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter with...
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you?
I'm not sure if it is my sudden awareness or that the stars have aligned yet again, but it seems like the media has suddenly become aware of the stressors and negative implications of food restriction and overexercising. Today I saw 4, yes, FOUR articles from different sources relating to body image, restriction, etc. The first I read was for my human development class titled 'Human Response to Stress'. Ironic, I know. I read through the journal highlighting how neurotransmitters are released to engage the 'fight or flight' reaction humans experience when they feel threatened. The journal further explained how chronic stress can have profound impacts on the immune system that result in behavior changes that can be clinically diagnosed as depression and anorexia. Slap in the face. The stressors lead to social isolation, mood changes, food restriction and sleep deprivation. It seems so obvious after reading it and seeing the scientific proof. I believe that is a phenomenon technically call the 20/20 hindsight bias. Everything is so much more clear looking back on a problem and already knowing the solution.
Taking a break from school work and needing a little bit of smut, I went to the Cosmo magazine website where I was immediately confronted with a headline of Vanity Sizing-The Insanity of Size 0. The article gives a brief synopsis and begins, "The national obsession with skinniness has always been a numbers game..." Slap in the face. Of course its a numbers game. There is a drive to constantly diet, calorie count, consume the perfect balance between whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and lean proteins. "Easy ways to cut back 100 calories a day! It could save you up to 4 lbs per year!"; "Find the perfect jeans for your body type!" ; "Quick workouts to tone your tummy!" There is an excuse to start dieting during every season, for every event. New Years Resolutions, swimsuit season, prepping for the holidays, coming out of winter blues. No wonder weights fluctuate and so many are confused about how to reach their ideal body.
I'm not blaming the media entirely and I do believe there is a conscious effort to reverse these trends, thus the newer headlines and increasing popularity about the dangers and repercussions of such diets and exercise routines. I am thankful for this awareness. I went to my nutrition counselor to further my own awareness yesterday to discuss my continuing treatment plan. We had our quick conversation and finished the meeting off with my weekly weigh in. Following: too much awareness. Following: slap in the face. I stepped on the scale. Predicting that I had gained 1-2lbs over the week from my general increase in food intake, I was prepared and feeling quite confident. No. Not what happened. 5 pounds. In a week. Good lord. The numbness washed over me. I couldn't help it, the tears came before I could even take another breath. How could I deal with that? I worked so hard for a year. Running, restricting, saying 'no'. Feeling down, ruining relationships, turning my back on myself all just to let it all swing back in a mere 2 weeks. The numbers, the numbers, the numbers. It swelled in my head, pulling me from the present. I slipped back into a shell of isolation, paralyzed. My eyes fixated on nothing. I didn't eat dinner. I wanted to run. However, I talked.
I had a long conversation discussing the difference in women bodies. If you lined up 50 women and held the only stipulation that each weigh 120 pounds and let height, age, race, etc differ, I can guarantee not one would be exactly the same. I let the thought sink in. The scale may have said 5 pounds, but my clothes really didn't feel different. I stared at my reflection, I couldn't see additional weight. I didn't feel fat or ugly or disgusting. It really was just a number. I'm requesting not to see my weights anymore. I don't think it matters, should matter, should determine who Ill be or the goal I should strive to achieve. I think the key is balance and awareness (healthy awareness!). Consciousness. Eat the whole grains, fruits and veggies, lean proteins. But also indulge a bit. I took a hookie day from school today with a dear friend. We've done nothing but indulge. Not in food, per se, but we indulged in a drive to Big Sky, enveloped ourselves in music and felt the gravity pull when the car leaned on the curve of the highway. We did have a lovely lunch, took our time, and came back to town for manicures. Our day isn't over. We are going to a movie soon, and will finish with jazz night at the Plonk. Life revolved around food isn't a life, nor should it be life's only indulgence. It's not meant to be an obsession. A disease. Food should be an aspect of life. Something to enhance its quality. A reason for social connectivity, sustenance, a reason for self joy and to see joy in others. It can be a passion, but disown the suffering and the resentment. Maintain the awareness in every facet of life, and just know it'll be okay. Not always fabulous, not always horrible, but given some time, some faith, it'll be okay.
