Patience is a Virtue

Sometimes you just do not know where to begin. Other times, its wondering where to end. However, its often been said that the end is always a new beginning. Life is cyclical. The events, the people, the time, it all changes, but with it, the person itself also changes. I believe to choose whether this change is harmonious or not is the true challenge and often, a die hard battle. How much can you trick your mind into believing something you want it to? Something it SHOULD be thinking vs something that those around you want you to believe? How can you know that 'you are the only person who truly knows what is best for you'? Its a dilemma. It is a die hard battle. Enter from far left stage: those who may actually know you better than you know yourself. Entering: Those who hold unconditional value for your existence and well-being. 

I received this quote today from my dear friend may actually know me sometimes better than I know myself:
  "That first peak is the best place to pause and look back, to see if you took the easiest route, to learn the lessons from the first climb. And it is the best place to examine the terrain...ahead, to change your plans and goals, to a take a deep breath and begin climbing again."

This I found to be so applicable. Over the last week I discovered indulgence. Absolute dis-concern for the cares I once held to so securely. I let the pressures of school subside, I reconnected with the love of my life, I ate french fries. And its been good. My mood has had an immediate and gratifying elevation. It has been a simple and satisfying elegance that I could not imagine letting go. I woke up with deep breaths, a fullness of contentment. How could I ever allow that to subside? How easy it is do tell yourself "ah, just let go! Do what you want! Who is really going to care whether you write your paper today or tomorrow? What horrible event is going to occur if you have that hamburger with fries?"

......I have been attempting to finish this post for a week now and everytime I read that last sentence, "what horrible event....?" I can seem to justify a simple life from moment to moment, ignoring societal expectations and listening to my body for what could genuinely be the best for me. And I have tried to be patient through these brief moments of blissful justification. However, I can always, consistently, feel the dark looming in the back of my mind yelling at me. "YOU CARE! IT MATTERS TO YOU WHAT OTHERS THINK!" It feels so angry and it can toss me into a corner, wanting to hide. Wanting to cry. Wanting a change.