Size 30. Way too big. That's comparable to a 10. Double digits. Sickening. Hike the M and stop twice. Jog down. Hike the M and only stop once. That's better! Size 29. Oh thank god, I'm back in the jeans I wore to my senior photos. Run down from the M. Stops: 0. Drive to Denver and shop at the Guess store. Size 28. I'm elated. We get back to Bozeman and I get back on the mountain. I hike up, extending my stride and familiarizing the path. First set of trees, about a quarter of the way, I make it to a small switchback and a lone shrub and know I'm about half way there. I start feeling a bit winded but Taio Cruz comes on my ipod: "I came to dance, dance, dance, dance, I hit the floor cause that's my plans, plans, plans, plans, I'm wearing all my favorite brands, brands, brands, brands...."......my new Guess jeans! I find the motivation and trek myself the rest of the way to the benches underneath the giant white rocks of the 'M'. I don't sit though. I inhale deeply once, scan the valley to remind myself of my surroundings, and take off running back down the long trail. I finish the loop but don't stop. I sprint as far as I can back up the steep trail. I go till my legs and my lungs burn and finally slow, take one more deep breath, and jog back to my car. I sit down and smile, knowing I just made it further than the last time I tried. Feeling spirited and awakened, I crank up the stereo, open the sunroof, and sing like a fool back into town.
Wanting to continue my new and improved self, I start walking or biking everywhere I go. I begin to cut extra desserts from my diet. I cut back my soy chai from 16oz to 12oz. I eventually switch to iced tea. My breakfasts become smaller, my lunches feel cleaner, and dinner, well, that can stay the same. For now, at least. That's when the comments started. I was walking downtown for Music on Main, which happens to be the ultimate Bozeman, MT resident reunion and I was seeing a plethora of old classmates and co-workers. "Hey girl! Wow! You look fantastic! Have you lost weight?" Well, of course I knew I had, but decided to respond with, "Well, I just started running and really love it!" Positive response. Good. I feel effervescent! I start running more. 2 miles in the morning or a hike just isn't enough anymore. I pick up the pace. Two in the morning, another two in the evening. Everything becomes associated with numbers. My clothing size, the amount of calories in food, the distance Iv traveled or how many sets of 50 I can make when I start bending through a grande plie. Calories burned>calories consumed=(perceived) higher self image.
My life broke down to complete minimalism. It became about the smallest amout of calories I could take in and still feel okay. I wore dull colors. Just black. Just brown. Just white. I cut my social connections and avoided social gatherings where people hung around tables and snacked. It looked like a bunch of grazing animals getting hay thrown to them in a trough. The thought turned my stomach and I savored the fact that I didn't need any of it. I eventually became the bare bones I lead myself towards. Lifelessness, a dead zone. Darkness.
In my state of reversal and transformation, I'm viewing the bareness as a clean slate. Not something to be ignored, shunned, punished, or criticized. Its an opportunity to draw out the obviousness of what hasn't worked, and to build and strengthen upon a new canvas. Ill add the components I betrayed. Ill incorporate fresh knowledge as to what can be learned and utilized from reaching the extreme of complete hollowness. To the bones ill add muscle and strength, it will encase a heart and a stomach. Ill add flavor, spice, color, richness, pleasure, connectedness. Ill breathe life back into my lungs. I am aiming for a sense of wholeness. I want to feel the compexities and the weight of sheer existence. I want to feel fire and intensity and passion again but know how to cover it in a blanket of wet, cool, cerulean relief and be able to feel an opposite lightness of foot. A graceful, gliding sensation. Just imaging having this clear palate to create is making me smile. I already feel lighter. Ha, finally.
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