I'm not sure if it is my sudden awareness or that the stars have aligned yet again, but it seems like the media has suddenly become aware of the stressors and negative implications of food restriction and overexercising. Today I saw 4, yes, FOUR articles from different sources relating to body image, restriction, etc. The first I read was for my human development class titled 'Human Response to Stress'. Ironic, I know. I read through the journal highlighting how neurotransmitters are released to engage the 'fight or flight' reaction humans experience when they feel threatened.  The journal further explained how chronic stress can have profound impacts on the immune system that result in behavior changes that can be clinically diagnosed as depression and anorexia. Slap in the face. The stressors lead to social isolation, mood changes, food restriction and sleep deprivation. It seems so obvious after reading it and seeing the scientific proof. I believe that is a phenomenon technically call the 20/20 hindsight bias. Everything is so much more clear looking back on a problem and already knowing the solution.

Taking a break from school work and needing a little bit of smut, I went to the Cosmo magazine website where I was immediately confronted with a headline of Vanity Sizing-The Insanity of Size 0. The article gives a brief synopsis and begins, "The national obsession with skinniness has always been a numbers game..." Slap in the face. Of course its a numbers game. There is a drive to constantly diet, calorie count, consume the perfect balance between whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and lean proteins. "Easy ways to cut back 100 calories a day! It could save you up to 4 lbs per year!"; "Find the perfect jeans for your body type!" ; "Quick workouts to tone your tummy!" There is an excuse to start dieting during every season, for every event. New Years Resolutions, swimsuit season, prepping for the holidays, coming out of winter blues. No wonder weights fluctuate and so many are confused about how to reach their ideal body.

I'm not blaming the media entirely and I do believe there is a conscious effort to reverse these trends, thus the newer headlines and increasing popularity about the dangers and repercussions of such diets and exercise routines. I am thankful for this awareness. I went to my nutrition counselor to further my own awareness yesterday to discuss my continuing treatment plan. We had our quick conversation and finished the meeting off with my weekly weigh in. Following: too much awareness. Following: slap in the face. I stepped on the scale. Predicting that I had gained 1-2lbs over the week from my general increase in food intake, I was prepared and feeling quite confident. No. Not what happened. 5 pounds. In a week. Good lord. The numbness washed over me. I couldn't help it, the tears came before I could even take another breath. How could I deal with that? I worked so hard for a year. Running, restricting, saying 'no'. Feeling down, ruining relationships, turning my back on myself all just to let it all swing back in a mere 2 weeks. The numbers, the numbers, the numbers. It swelled in my head, pulling me from the present. I slipped back into a shell of isolation, paralyzed. My eyes fixated on nothing. I didn't eat dinner. I wanted to run. However, I talked.

I had a long conversation discussing the difference in women bodies. If you lined up 50 women and held the only stipulation that each weigh 120 pounds and let height, age, race, etc differ, I can guarantee not one would be exactly the same. I let the thought sink in. The scale may have said 5 pounds, but my clothes really didn't feel different. I stared at my reflection, I couldn't see additional weight. I didn't feel fat or ugly or disgusting. It really was just a number. I'm requesting not to see my weights anymore. I don't think it matters, should matter, should determine who Ill be or the goal I should strive to achieve.  I think the key is balance and awareness (healthy awareness!). Consciousness. Eat the whole grains, fruits and veggies, lean proteins. But also indulge a bit. I took a hookie day from school today with a dear friend. We've done nothing but indulge. Not in food, per se, but we indulged in a drive to Big Sky, enveloped ourselves in music and felt the gravity pull when the car leaned on the curve of the highway. We did have a lovely lunch, took our time, and came back to town for manicures. Our day isn't over. We are going to a movie soon, and will finish with jazz night at the Plonk. Life revolved around food isn't a life, nor should it be life's only indulgence. It's not meant to be an obsession. A disease. Food should be an aspect of life. Something to enhance its quality. A reason for social connectivity, sustenance, a reason for self joy and to see joy in others. It can be a passion, but disown the suffering and the resentment. Maintain the awareness in every facet of life, and just know it'll be okay. Not always fabulous, not always horrible, but given some time, some faith, it'll be okay.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/can-extreme-exercise-destroy-your-marriage-2448031
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/fashion/vanity-sizing?click=main_sr
http://health.yahoo.net/articles/parenting/eating-disorder-signs-your-child